March 2011
3 posts
I have a new blog that I'll be updating more often...
I made a personal blog, if you would like to follow it. Here is a recent entry I made about how to be a gentleman:
http://rebelliongonzalez.tumblr.com/post/4189023445/jason-hackett-on-how-to-be-a-gentleman
Enjoy!
More Journal Entries from 12 Year Old Me
To reiterate once more if you had forgotten, a few weeks ago, I found my journal for an English class when I was 12 years old. While I was 12, I very quickly figured out that the teacher read nothing of what I wrote. Here is how I exploited this information:
I think the balloon people should be set free. They have done nothing wrong. It was the man who swallowed too much helium that took them...
Ugh I'm a horrible person →
February 2011
6 posts
7 tags
DEAR ABBY: I’m concerned about my friend “Nyla.” She’s 15 and pregnant. Nyla and her family are happy about it! As her friend, I’m not. I think she should have waited.
I keep telling her that her life is ruined and she’ll regret having a baby this early, but she doesn’t listen. It would be better if she had help, but she doesn’t. Nyla’s...
I make music too, by the way
I deliver pizzas because I like having money while I look for a real job, and during the course of a day, I have a lot of downtime I generally spend playing with my phone. So, I got a sequencing app for it, and now I attempt to be productive and make music on it. Here’s stuff I’ve made:
Enjoy, maybe?
9 tags
More Journal Entries from 12 Years Old!
In case you had forgotten, I recently found my journal for an English class when I was 12 years old. I quickly figured out that the teacher read nothing of what I wrote. Here is how I exploited it:
One day, I went next door. They are wolves. The ate my cousin, but he was too nasty, so they threw him up. He made a happy dance up. Then they slashed him to bits. He made great puppy chow. My dog...
January 2011
7 posts
Things I wrote when I was 12
I just found my daily journal for an English class from 1999. In said journal, once a week there was a required free write. Being an enterprising twelve year old boy, I quickly discovered my teacher literally didn’t read anything I wrote, and was just checking it for length. Thus, I began writing some of the weirdest shit I’ve seen that didn’t come from someone who is clinically...
DEAR ABBY: I’m a 16-year-old girl from a religious home. When I was 7, my father got very drunk and molested me. It had a terrible impact on me.
He has apologized for what happened and knows I hate him for it and can’t forgive him. It hasn’t happened since, and I know he’s telling the truth. I feel the next step in my healing is to confide in my friends and ask them...
Well, this is new.
So, when we last left off, I had flown of the handle in a fit of anger, as some close to me may understand can happen at times. Here is Dan’s response:
Wouldn’t know her since I don’t watch TV….too busy living instead of sitting in front of a screen watching others do what they love doing and getting paid.
Hahaha, joke’s on you…I’ve dated women you could never dream of dating including...
I know everyone is tired of this shit...
EDIT: If you have no idea what I’m talking about here, read these previous posts:
Part One: “So I Got a Fun Email from a Comedian” Part Two: From Hackett to Hack Part Deax Part Three: Despite My Best Efforts, This Does Not End
Dan Nainan is the worst human being.
Let me say it again, because I’m not being ironic or sardonic or whatever the fuck. I’m being 100%...
DEAR ABBY: Does a woman consider a man’s invitation to lunch as the next thing to his asking her to sleep with him? And what do others think about this invitation if the female mentions it to her husband or friends? One etiquette book said, in effect, “If the lunch is not about business, it’s about sex.” Pretty severe, I think. I asked a female co-worker to lunch for purely social reasons, but I...
Let's Try This Again...
DEAR ABBY: While I was at the grocery store, the woman in front of me said hello like she recognized me. I recognized her, but didn’t remember her name or where I knew her from. I asked her some lame questions about art class, but it was obvious I didn’t know her from there. It was very embarrassing. The message I would like to give your readers is, please don’t assume that...
December 2010
3 posts
Despite my best efforts, this does not end
More wisdom from Dan Nainan, who seemingly has nothing better to do than email me.
It’s about 4 PM, and I’m waiting for a train, which is going to take me to another train, which is going to take me to the airport. I just wanted to drop you a note (I’m voice dictating into my phone, and I’m going to remove the chip later and insert it into my computer, and it will...
From Hackett to Hack, Part Deux
Well, when we last left off, I was under the assumption this would be over. Nothing could be further from the truth. You see, Dan Nainan doesn’t know when to let things die. From this point forth, this will mainly be just the straight emails. Also, as an aside, these are just the ones that are essential for understanding the flow of conversation. He also sent various unrelated emails with...
So I Got A Fun Email From A Comedian!
I got a terrific message from Dan Nainan, hack comedian extraordinaire! If you haven’t ever heard of him, don’t worry, almost no one has! Here’s a video to get you up to speed on the sort of comedic prowess we’re talking about here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ec_iYKigxRU
This guy tried to bribe Marc Maron into bringing him on WTF, Marc Maron’s terrific podcast....
November 2010
1 post
October 2010
4 posts
Blah
I know I said I’d be updating this more often, but I’ve been having to look for a new job, and now on top of that, I’ve been writing music for a comedy trio I’m starting with friends. I’ll keep you updated on that, but for now, I will take a bit of a break from the Dear (Not) Abby stuff for a little while.
Now, I can either stick with the given theme like I’ve...
September 2010
5 posts
I’m starting to attempt some podcast-esque...
DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, we got a new neighbor. When I was out walking my dog one day, my neighbor was doing the same. At first I thought this person was female, but as we got to talking I began to doubt myself. First off, my neighbor is petite, has a boyish haircut, no breasts, dresses like a guy and speaks in a voice that could be male or female. I stood there and decided I’d ask for a...
ilovemyhate-deactivated20101129 asked: omg.
stfu.
i missed your blog you big dumb jerk face.
stfu.
i missed your blog you big dumb jerk face.
DEAR ABBY: I am in a very awkward situation. I was married last week and am very happy with my new husband, “Ralph.” However, when people ask, “Where did you two meet?” that’s when the glamour shatters.
Abby, Ralph and I met in a public restroom in a very rundown area that we happened to be vacationing in. I hate telling people that’s where we met because they...
July 2010
3 posts
ihatemylove-deactivated20100911 asked: are you canadian?
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman with friends of all ages, and I receive lots of phone calls. I like people and enjoy hearing from them. However, several of the “regulars” who call me talk nonstop. As long as I listen, they’re fine. But if I try to launch into a subject that interests me, they tell me they’re really busy and terminate the call.
How should I interpret this? I have...
June 2010
12 posts
Been looking for a real job, sorry for the lack of...
DEAR ABBY: My best friend and I are having a big mutual birthday party April 1. It’s going to be a big bash with lots of people, lots of drinking and, of course, the possibility that others may bring drugs.
We plan on inviting all our friends. However, we have a few friends who no longer live that kind of lifestyle. Do we still invite our sober friends to this gathering?
We love them and...
LIGHTNING ROUND EDITION OF DEAR (NOT) ABBY
Welcome to the first Lightning Round Edition of Dear (Not) Abby, where I will answer as many letters as I can before coming bored with as short and efficient of answers as I can. Let’s go!
DEAR ABBY: How do you tell the difference between someone with a gambling problem and someone who is trying to become a poker champion?
The person is my husband, and I’d like to support his dream...
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband, “Rolly,” for nine and a half years. I have just confirmed that he has been cheating on me — again! I had my suspicions and began checking his phone records. I love Rolly unconditionally.
We had a huge fight about it, and the girl and her friends were calling my home saying they were going to slit my throat. Then the phone calls...
DEAR ABBY: I suffered a miscarriage six weeks ago. Since then, it feels like I have suffered one disappointment after another. My sister-in-law — who was supposed to be infertile — is now expecting. The doctors thought she’d had an ectopic pregnancy, so they performed surgery on her only to find that the baby was fine and right where it should be.
I feel so bitter that I am...
DEAR ABBY: My parents come to visit about once every two months. My mother is very nosy. She goes through my stuff when I am not at home. She will do my laundry for me (which gives her access to my bedroom, my dresser, my closet, etc.). She uses the excuse that she is “cleaning” to snoop. The last time she was here, she “did my laundry,” and when Dad and I got home, my personal lubricant was...
DEAR ABBY: I am 18 years old. I live with my girlfriend, and we live with her mother, 7-year-old sister and her stepdad.
When I first met her, she told me that her stepfather had tried to get her to take nude pictures “so she would trust him and won’t be shy.” He has asked her twice since we have been together. Each time he has asked, he has told her not to tell me, yet he tells...
friendofgum asked: Your last asker was right. Your face makes me laugh. Not necessarily in a good way, as in, "hahaha I love your face" but more like an "omg, LOOK at that person's FACE LOLOLOLOL OMG LOL"
grumpykestrel-deactivated201011 asked: Your answers make me laugh.
May 2010
20 posts
DEAR ABBY: My parents are both dead and have been for quite some time. Visiting the cemetery is, and always has been, very depressing to me, so I choose not to go.
My problem is I have an older relative who says not going to the graves is a sign of disrespect. (She spits out the word with such venom!) Abby, I don’t disrespect my parents at all. I just don’t want to go to the cemetery...
DEAR ABBY: I have a 4-year-old sister who drinks a lot of beer. My dad lets her drink it. What should I do? — BIG SISTER IN SANTA MARIA, CALIF.
DEAR BIG SISTER: Big Sister, huh? More like Big Brother, you fucking narc.
Look, your dad is just trying to let little sister get her drank on, let her forget about her stressful day at preschool (GODDAMN SQUARE BLOCK WOULDN’T FIT INTO THE...
DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old high school senior. Last summer I lost my virginity. Since then I have slept with six guys. Do you think my future husband will be seriously upset about it, even though he will probably have been out there more than I have?
I guess I want to know whether you think I have become free-spirited or just promiscuous. — POSSIBLY PROMISCUOUS IN MURFREESBORO, N.C.
...
5 tags
DEAR ABBY: I have lived with my best friend, “Lance,” for five years on and off. Lance is 30; I am 24. Lately we have been discussing marriage. The problem is, he is gay, and the marriage would be for convenience only. I am not in love with Lance, nor is he in love with me. He thinks this would be a good idea because of the financial benefits, tax breaks and the like.
I am a little...
