DEAR ABBY: I’m concerned about my friend “Nyla.” She’s 15 and pregnant. Nyla and her family are happy about it! As her friend, I’m not. I think she should have waited.
I keep telling her that her life is ruined and she’ll regret having a baby this early, but she doesn’t listen. It would be better if she had help, but she doesn’t. Nyla’s family is poor.
Now she is angry with me because of what I keep telling her. What can I do to help her understand me, and not get mad when I tell her something? — VIRGINIA TEEN
DEAR VIRGINIA TEEN:
Uh, I’m concerned about you. Quite frankly, if you can’t see the value in being a 15 year old mom, you really don’t have a place in modern society.
You see, the country is utterly fascinated with teen pregnancy, and with good reason.
First reason: It’s adorable
Think about it. There is nothing cuter than kids taking care of kids, especially when one of the kids came out of the other kid’s pussy. 
AWWW!! YOU USED TO BE HIS CUM!!
Second reason: More MILFs.
Think about it. When you have your baby super young, your chances of being a MILF are increased dramatically. And if there is one thing America loves more than pregnant teenagers, it’s hot women who have made people with their wombs. Here, I made a handy chart for you:
As you can see, MILFs are by far the most important thing in this country, and with the demand for MILFs increasing with each fiscal year, we are constantly in need of a fresh supply of fuckable mothers. And the only way to do that is by impregnating more and more teenage girls.
Third reason: It’s sexy.
Enough said.
Fourth reason: Abortion is wrong.
Look, what is Nyla supposed to do. Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ tells us that modern day abortions are wrong, and specifically points out the abortion pill, RU-486, as trappings of Satan and his evil minions. What, you want you friend to go to Hell just because she likes to have the guy rawdog it when they fuck? I mean, she’s probably going to Hell anyway, because she’s poor, but if you were a real friend, you wouldn’t want to make her chances even worse, would you?
So there you have it. You are conclusively wrong, VIRGINIA TEEN. And hey, if you’re really so upset about being around pregnant teens, maybe think twice about living in Virginia next time.
